I am not a victim of any traumatic events, like domestic violence, molestation, murders, or even thefts and robbery. Sure, I have seen these experiences through my past clients, but I have only experienced the more "minor" ugly side of humanity, like betrayals, destructive gossip, and things of a more "minor" damage in one's life, or at least that's what I think.
Yet, I can't help thinking how a part of me hates humanity and its ugliness, while a part of me still keeps the hope that we can be much better than this. This hatred is amplified when I'm back in Jakarta, when everyone works in such an inexplicable way through bribery and things of the such, where one's life can be bought with money.
But thinking of how I've never been a "true" victim of humanity's ugliness in a sense that I've never been traumatized to an extent that a lot of people have been, makes me feel ashamed of this hatred in me. It makes me realize that Jesus, who was in the situation where He had the right to hate all humanity, was able to choose to love humanity... And that's beautiful, though extremely difficult to do. And I know how difficult it is because I have yet to reach that kind of situation before my desire to refuse loving humanity surfaced. And ironically, these are the thoughts coming out even after doing self-reflection of the ugly things I've done to others as well.
I wonder, how then, will I be able to have that kind of heart, to continue loving and believing even all the bullets are shot at me, especially when I know I can hate that part of humanity, and my love is limited?