Thursday, November 25, 2010

Test VS. Answer

The next one year of my life is set, not by choice, but it at least gave me a direction to go.

I have been working at an HIV clinic for the past 3 months, believing that my parents understood and granted me their permission to work there. A couple of days ago while talking to my Dad on Skype, he just understood what I meant. All along, he thought it was a field trip, a one time deal that has no recurrent contact with the clinic. Finding out that I am working there, he ordered me to quit, no question asked; either I quit, or he would talk to the school. Then, he told me to go home right after I am done with school in August.

I wonder, at times, if this is what God has been trying to tell me, "Go home!", or if this whole thing has been a test to see my perseverance in this whole matter. I do have to say, though, that regardless what, I am a little relieved to know where I am going, though it is not my choice. Some certainty is always less stressful that none.

With that said, I guess I am quitting my pursuit of a doctorate degree for now. I do still want it, but perhaps some time in the future when the time is right. At this point in time, I feel anxious (to tell my supervisor and school), relieved (to know what's next), and sad (to let go of my doctorate degree). I think I have to settle with these emotions for a little longer.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

I Knew I Loved You

Do you remember the century-old song from Savage Garden, called I Knew I Loved You? One of the sentences goes like this, "I knew I loved you before I met you".

When I first heard the song, I was really young, and I shook my head at the idea. How can you love someone that you have not met? That is an unrealistic fantasy, like falling in love with someone in your head, almost.

Lately I am beginning to take a different spin with that lyric. I think I will love the man that God has created me to be with, regardless of who he may be. I have yet to meet that man, but I think I will love him very much. It's like, I know I loved him before I met him, because he will be the man that God created to complement me, and vice versa. So it's something like, there will be a man whom I am head over heels in love with, even though I have yet to meet him right now.

I apologize for the totally random post.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Sleep and Rest

I have been feeling pretty tired lately, probably mental exhaustion from all that I have to accomplish. My life has become a packed checklist in which I am in a race to put a check on each item. The mental exhaustion is taking a toll on my physical body. Imagine sleeping for 9 or 10 hours in a day and still feeling tired. throughout the day. That's pretty bizarre.

This reminds me of Elijah, when he was really tired. I'd guess that he was underwent some depression. He was too tired to walk, or to do anything else. God fed him and let him rest. He rested for a long period of time.

I wonder where was my balance of eating, resting, and working? I have been having poor appetite due to missing lunch on many days. I have been eating scraps at home because I don't have time to cook, nor do I have the extra energy to go out and buy food. I have been working non-stop each day, finishing both school and clinical work. I have been out socializing for the purpose of networking. I have been sleeping, a lot.

Then, I realized that sleeping and resting are two different things. Sleeping does not mean resting. Our body is not like a battery where we can just charge it at night, and it will be full the next day. Sleeping is getting knocked out after a whole day's activities. It is a dreamland. A time where the body repairs the damages done during the day. Resting requires doing things that we enjoy, or spending time with people without feeling the need of it but feeling the want of it. Resting requires us to keep quiet and be still. Resting requires us to run to God's embrace. Resting requires us to take care of both of our mental and physical health.

I need to rest.