Saturday, August 7, 2010

Thrown Away

Let me share one of my fears that I have discovered lately (I really wonder how it has gone unnoticed for so long!). This is one of the fears that has driven me to do everything that I have done till this point.

When I was really little, I won a first place in my first competition in poetry reading - gold trophy that I prided myself in, especially because I used to have a really bad stage fright. I put in so much effort and courage into winning the contest. It is one of the few things that I want to keep till the rest of my life, to remind me of my perseverance. It is my one prided trophy - and I mean it, because I'm a trophy collector. I have perhaps won about 20 up to the end of my high school years, and I think it's explained below by my need for over-achievement.

Years later, while moving house (we have moved a lot in the past, so it's while moving to one of the houses), the trophy broke by accident. Rather than getting it fixed, my Mom dumped it out. Imagine my anger and hurt when I found out - because I could not find it, not even because she told me after she threw it out. Yet I could not be angry, because after all, it's my beloved mother.

From then onwards, that is my goal - to never get broken so I'm never thrown out - because there's never a chance to be fixed. How do I do this? Achieve, achieve, achieve. Achieve so that it will never be broken, achieve so Mom will appreciate and acknowledge my hard work, achieve so that I will not get thrown away. Cover up all the weaknesses and defects, so people cannot look at me to find any emotional vulnerability. I need to be the best, to be perfect, to cover up the shame that perhaps, I am unknowingly broken inside. Straight A student, well-rounded, object of envy - yet none of these satisfy my need to achieve even more.

To face this fear is to be experiencing the anger, pain, and hurt once again. I need God to help me release those emotions so I am no longer bound by this fear of not achieving.

I know I'm not alone in this. You too, perhaps are bound by something in the past that you may not even notice anymore. Seek God and ask Him to reveal those things to you, so you can make corrective experience from the distorted past experience and not let it hinder you from living the fullest. For one, I now know that my decisions have been driven by a lot of shame in the past and I am willing to work on it one by one, though it is a painful revisitation to memories that I don't want to remember.

I no longer want my obsession to achieve to be the driving force of making important decisions in life. What about you?

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