At church today, all the songs somehow sang God's greatness, faithfulness, love, etc. One of the songs that we sang went like this:
Seg'nap hatiku menyembahMu
Terimalah seg'nap hidupku
S'bagai persembahan yang hidup
Hidupku bagiMu" (GMB - Tiada SpertiMu)
All my heart worship You
Receive all of my life
As a living sacrifice
Not my will
But Your will
My life is for You"
When I sang this song, my heart was wrenched. I teared. It was because I truly understood the weight of the words I sang. These are words that we are so used to singing in church! But a thought dawned on me: how could one sing about living as a sacrifice and walking God's will without tearing? I understood the difficulty of the choice. Living for God is not easy, walking His path is no joke. For me, it has become much harder day by day; but there's great joy and fulfillment.
To say, "Not my will, but Your will" is not an easy matter. That feels like killing my inner and sinful self everyday. Deciding to stop breathing the world's lies is like restraining from mental masturbation that my flesh has been used to for the past decades. When I understood the hardship ahead, I teared. I teared because I have been singing these songs lightly. I teared because God knows the hardship I am to face, yet still continue to have faith in me, even when I no longer believe in myself.
The choice is hard, but the choice has to be made. Not making a choice is a choice by itself - a choice that leans to the other side. Let's be wise in our choice. Walking His path is filled with great sufferings, but you know that the promise of a happy ending awaits.